What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 12:30
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
This is soul school!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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So, i spoilt her more .
But it wasn’t much.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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When she asked me how she looked .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was seconnd youngest,
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
How do introverts celebrate their birthday?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
What are you struggling with in your life? What would you like to have instead?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My life is so biszare .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One cannot live in the past .
But, we were locked up after school.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She loved him until the end.
We were not on the streets..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I will be 64.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Was to survive, this bastard.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I said to her
She married twice! .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
(And it was in our own minds.)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We all went to grammer schools
I think the readers, may guess!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She found it foreign!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Comes on , in middle age.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was in good health!
Who then, do I blame.?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I don,t even have a pension.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He knew the spot.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I have no regrets .
I couldn’t, believe it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My family never makes their pension either.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And i lived it daily.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I waited trembling.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Put me off passion for life!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So whats the point in blame.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I could never make a relationship work though!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She wouldn,t have been !
Ive learnt so much.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im still living with it.
It was going to be , some day.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was 9 years of age.
I was scared of men, in general
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
What did i know ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was very sick at this time too.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I write beautiful poetry .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Would this be the day?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..